JOHN EDDIE
The funniest thing I read today on Facebook was written by John Eddie. The funniest thing I read on Facebook, quite often, is by John Eddie.
New Jersey music fans know Eddie, of course, as musician who has sometimes shown a sense of humor in his songwriting, but is not a novelty act or a guitar-wielding standup comedian or anything like that. I’m not surprised that he’s a very funny guy on Facebook. But I’m impressed by the number of times his jokes — which often seem like random thoughts, and are signed with his initials (“luv je”) — make me laugh out loud.
A few examples, over the last month:
Oct. 22: “Julius Caesar started the #EtTu movement…luv je”
Oct. 15: “Can you coddle other things or is coddling exclusively for dictators? …luv je”
Oct. 13: “When I was a kid at school we put our coats in the cloak room…to my knowledge not one kid ever wore a cloak to school…but the school was prepared in case one did and I guess I should be glad because it gave us a place to put our coats…Luv je”
Oct. 12: “When I was a little boy my mom sat me down and said ‘Son if you set your mind to it there’s nothing you can do’…and I said ‘Mom don’t you mean there’s nothing I cant do?’ And she said ‘uh…yeah sure…go with that…I just thought you wanted the truth’…luv je”
He’s also, in recent months, provided running commentary on events such as a Democratic presidential candidates debate and MTV’s VMA Awards. Watching the VMA Awards, for instance, he posted: “Watching this Missy Elliot performance…my band really has to step up its aerial wire work if we are going to be able to compete in today’s marketplace…luv je”
The one that got me today was a re-writing of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” for the #MeToo Era that has to be read in its entirety to be appreciated:
I really can’t stay (baby it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (but baby, it’s cold outside)
This evening has been (have you ever seen frost bitten skin)
So very nice (you’ll be dead cold as ice)
My mother will start to worry (she should worry, it’s fucking cold)
My father will be pacing the floor ( I don’t blame him, it’s seriously fucking cold)
So really I’d better scurry (are you dense? what part of freezing to death don’t you get)
But maybe just a half a drink more (Jesus thank God you’re coming to your senses)
The neighbors might think (who gives a fuck what they think)
Say what’s in this drink? (It’s cocoa…just plain old cocoa…I’m not a monster)
I wish I knew how (Christ)
To break this spell (it’s not a spell…it’s basic human decency, I don’t want you to die out there)
I ought to say, no, no, no sir (seriously what is wrong with you)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried( it’s better than saying you died)
I really can’t stay (Jesus not this again)
I simply must go (Fine, go)
The answer is no (seriously get the fuck out)
But Baby Its Cold Outside (ya think?)
So, anyway, I just wanted to share that. If you could use a few more laughs in your life, you can follow Eddie at facebook.com/john.eddie.7.
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